Cannot boot live USB - Dell Latitude 3570

Hello, downloaded Kali 2016.1 amd64 ISO, dd'd on a USB, tried launching it on my brand new Dell Latitude 3570.

Full specs here (# lshw). https://paste.debian.net/hidden/03da6511/

What happens:

• Attempting UEFI boot: black screen past GRUB.
• Attempting legacy boot: PCIe Bus Error like this. [imgur.com]
  Hangs there and prints those repeatedly. Device [8086:9d14] seems to be the Intel Wifi card.
  Tried failsafe boot, also with pcie=noaer, black screen and nothing else.

try with lite version of Kali 64 bit
disable fast boot,secure boot and put bios in legacy mode and then try

Nope, no dice!
Black, backlit screen. No response to CTRL+ALT+DEL.
Also tried failsafe: blinking cursor.